


Every Unsatisfied Urge

by concupiscence66



Category: Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-22
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-19 06:14:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/570091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concupiscence66/pseuds/concupiscence66
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was meant to be a series of snippets about how the boys are and are not a romantic couple.  I went wrong and now it's an epic tale of unconventional love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

"Boys giving you a hard time?" Noel asked, taking in his partner's hagard appearance. "Do I need to give them a talking to?"

Julian laughed as he shrugged off his jacket. "It's not quite that serious yet. Arthur's hit a stage where he has more wants than he has words to express them. He just says he's hungry. He's holding his ear and crying, saying, 'Daddy, I'm hungry!' Am I meant to rub some mashed potatoes in his ear?"

"Can't Walter translate?" Noel suggested, pouring Julian a black coffee. "Isn't that the point of having two?"

Julian gratefully took the hot coffee. Noel half expected him to pour it straight on his tired looking eyes.

"You know this is only the second day of recording, right?" Noel teased. "Are you going to make it? Do we need to bring in Farnaby?"

Julian just shrugged and looked sad.

"Holy shitballs on a toasted cheese sandwich! You look like crap on a cracker," Rich yelled as he walked down the hall towards them. "Julian, you need to lay off the meth."

Julian gave a delayed laugh. He always seemed to need a moment to translate Rich.

"I've tried," Julian explained balefully. "It's the only thing that wakes me up in the morning."

"I can relate to Arthur," Noel said, sincerely. "Sometimes when I'm tired, I feel like I'm hungry."

"Every unsatisfied urge is hunger," Julian said with a fond smile.

"Every unsatisfied urge is hunger?"Rich repeated. "That's the name of my autobiography. I'm fucking a donut on the cover."

Noel thought about Julian's off-hand comment all day.

Every unsatisfied urge, indeed.

xxx

It physically hurt to watch him, he was so utterly awkward and nervous. He didn't look at all like someone who had been on telly. He looked ready to jump out of his skin as he gripped the microphone while it was still in its mic stand, as though he could possibly drop it. Noel laughed too hard and too often. He'd only recently begun doing stand-up himself, so he knew how painful it was, and the lanky Northerner seemed ill-equipped to deal with the agony of an unresponsive crowd. Noel laughed and tried to send a psychic message to the man, to say, "It's all right, you're funny. It's the audience that's rubbish."

Noel had surveyed the crowd when they arrived, and his table was clearly the most interesting group in the place. Everyone else was straight as a ruler. They were only laughing at dick jokes. He imagined they were having well interesting conversations about the weather. Yeah, the guy on stage was going a bit long with his weird little wacky suggestions for freaking people out of the tube - but it was funny, funnier than anyone else had been so far.

"He's so... weird," Dave whispered, and Noel nodded enthusiastically. This guy was fucking weird. Genius.

The man gave a nervous wave before bounding off the stage. He'd ended his set by suggesting they murder a stranger, skin him, and wear his flesh as a leisure suit. Noel hadn't seen it coming.

Noel turned slowly from Nigel to Dave and the three of them dissolved into hysterical laugher. They had all bought it: the nervous ticks, the weak attempts to ingratiate himself to the audience... all just part of the act. Noel wondered if the Northern accent was even real.

Fucking ace.

"I'm going to buy that man a drink!" Noel declared before turning to Dave. "Lend me a tenner?"

xxx

Julian hated every minute of it. It was a terrible gig, and no one got the joke. There had been one table of arty kids laughing, probably ironically, and it had felt like dying.

But when a gig was good...

Julian hated those, too. His mother kept asking why he didn't just stick to music. Music didn't make him throw up with anxiety, and he didn't drink as much when he playing in bands. Comedy hurt, but Julian wanted it to hurt. If you aren't hurting, how do you know you're alive? It was covoluted logic, but Julian had given up on trying to be logical about performing. The rest of his life happened in his brain; performing all took place in his stomach. No wonder he needed to puke before each gig, he needed to make room in his stomach for all his feelings.

One of the art students approached him. He had a strange and pointy face with an absurd feather cut; his motley mane was at least four different colors.

Time to be funny. Comedians are supposed to be funny.

"That was geeenius!" the art student mumbled, barely moving his mouth as he spoke.

His first instinct was to make a joke about the man's lack of articulation, but it was too dead on; better to go neutral.

"Is your hair on backwards?"

The man laughed and blushed, suddenly almost disturbingly feminine as he fussed with his coiffure. He gazed up at Julian through his eyelashes and held out his hand. "I'm called Noel. Can I buy you a pint?"

Julian wasn't sure how to say no and Noel took his silence as agreement.

Fuck. Now he had to be funny and not end up in an awkward sexual situation.

"I just started doing stand-up m'self, and it is well hard. I do stuff a bit like you. Weird stuff. People been tellin' me I should come see your act," Noel declared proudly. His kohl-lined blue eyes were wide with excitement. Under his stupid hair cut and ridiculous clothes, Noel was clearly a little ray of sunshine, full of optimism and enthusiasm. It should have made Julian want to run, but he felt oddly calm. Noel's unfettered enthusiasm made Julian feel centered and wise instead of like a neurotic headcase.

Julian gave a tight lipped smile. "Oh really? That must be... just terrible for you."

This Noel person was here with his art school mates, looking trendy and having fun - feeling confident and cool. This kid hadn't a clue where Julian was coming from. They weren't even from the same planet. Julian let Noel buy him a second pint, though it was his mate (boyfriend?) with the big, handsome face that actually paid. Julian told himself he was only in it for the free drinks, but there may have been a part of him that liked being so openly admired.

Even if it was by a mentally ill boy with his hair on backwards.

xxx

Noel was hitting comedy clubs every night, studying - making connections. Getting himself ready for his big break. His act lay somewhere between comedy and performance art. He wanted to make people laugh, but he didn't really mind if they didn't. It was enough that they were all watching him.

It was the middle of the week, and Dave and Nige insisted on staying home and doing school work. Noel had five pretty girls at his table, fellow students. Not that it mattered, not that he cared, but he had a feeling Julian would be more receptive if he had lovely ladies in tow. Maybe this Julian guy was afraid Noel would hit on him. He probably assumed every boy in eyeliner was gay.

Noel wasn't gay; he was barely bi. There had been some drunken snogs, but he was in art school! There are things you have to experience in art school.

He wasn't wrong about Julian; he was far happier to see Noel with his gaggle of girls. He chain smoked through the evening, but Noel noticed he didn't take all that many puffs, he just always had a lit cigarette in his hand. That cigarette must have been whispering to Julian's fingers, "Hey, man, keep cool. Don't be an L 7 square..."

Noel couldn't explain why he thought Julian's fag would use 1950's Hollywood slang, he just knew it would.

Julian vacillated from cold and detached to quite sweet and gentle, and with no seeming reason. Noel was prattling on about nothing and suddenly, Julian would lean in - everything in his body language saying, "I am here for you, and you alone." Then he'd go back to being brusque. Noel found himself trying too hard to be funny and cool, desperate to bring back Julian's attention. Part of Noel wanted to stand up and say, "Hey! I know what you're doing! You're ignoring me so I'll try harder to get your attention, and just because it's working doesn't mean you aren't a dick for doing it."

But part of him didn't think the man was doing it on purpose. As his friend, Naomi, put it after Julian left (alone).

"He's a bit fucking weird, yeah?"

Yeah.

xxx

"Look, Barratt, it's your ugly girlfriend."

Julian shook his head. "Fuck off, Lee. Noel isn't ugly."

Noel threw his head back and laughed. He was wearing a poncho.

"You're jealous, Lee. Your face is Sominex. I thought Julian was standing next to a pink balloon for minute."

Lee gave a begrudging laugh, but Julian was too busy rehearsing the words to respond. Noel had a way with words. He told stories like a child. A trip to get a curry became an epic adventure as Noel acted it out with oversized eyes and an undersized vocabulary. He kept dropping hints he wanted Julian to see his stand-up, but Julian was putting it off. If Noel wasn't good, the relationship would end. Julian could neither be honest nor keep a secret when it comes to his opinions on comedy. He had a vague feeling he wanted to write with Noel, or at least write down Noel's words. He was not ready to see whatever they had end. He was lonely on stage.

Julian was lonely.


	2. The Courtship

Ellie was only too willing to stay in for the night and watch the telly with Noel. She was apparently well into alternative guys. She loved Noel's hair and make up and when he played up his crush on Julian. He felt almost guilty about using Julian to pick up girls. It wasn't like Julian gave a fuck one way or the other, but Noel thought of his affection as something pure that shouldn't be sullied. In his heart, he was sure they were comedic soulmates. He wasn't sure what that meant, but such a strong feeling must mean something.

"Is he the one in the knit cap? He's cute," Ellie observed with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

"No... Julian is the one in the silver trousers," Noel explained, not quiet believing the words coming from his mouth, "and the tribal tatoos."

Gobsmacked was an understatement, but Noel couldn't think of another word to describe his reaction. Every time he'd seen Julian in person, the comedian was trying a new look, but he'd always been dressed in layers of clothing. The hats, glasses, suits and jackets were all there, giving just a little extra buffer between Julian and his audience.

On the screen, Julian was hunched over the microphone, his yellow anorack open to expose his chest - currently adorned with fake tribal tatoos.

Noel had never seen Julian's chest before. He looked so vulnerable, all half naked and sporting faux dreadlocks.

"He don't look like I thought he would," Ellie pointed out as Julian sang about the "ancient city of India". Ellie slipped her hand under Noel's shirt and stroked his chest. "He's fit."

"Did you think he'd be ugly?"

"No, I knew he'd be good looking, but I thought he'd be a little older, more serious looking."

"In real life, yeah. He's playing a character," Noel pointed out as Julian described the six faces of a tree. As he spoke, it occured to him that he'd never seen Julian socially. Their friendship might be a bit one-sided, if not completely imaginary.

Ellie had the 'he's a bit weird' look on her face that meant she was not the love of Noel's life. The woman he is meant to marry will think Julian Barratt is fucking hilarious.

However, she was cute, and she agreed Julian was hot. That was more than enough to fuel a brief romance. Noel didn't think about Julian when he slept with Ellie or anyone else.

It's just that the man had a way of popping into his mind's eye at the strangest times.

xxx

"I played this gig last night, right? So there's this man, I don't know if he was English or not... he looked to be made of coins..."

It was the fifth time Noel had come to see his act. They might have been friends at this point. Julian had his arms crossed over his chest, his back pressed against the bar rail; he had a cigarette dangling from him lips and he was wearing glasses. He wasn't taking a defensive posture; he was taking all the defensive postures, and Noel wasn't giving him back one millimeter of personal space. He was chatting away, full of animation, but stopped cold when Julian spoke.

"There's a space open tonight. Right before me. Why don't you do your act?"

Noel paled beneath his eccentric make-up, but said in an eager if shaky voice, "Genius! I'll just call my mates and me mum. Makes sure someone in the audience is laughing at my jokes... and not just me!"

xxx

"Hey, keep cool, man. Don't b square. 'Cause that's how they'd talk, right? Cigarettes are clearly in love with the fifties. How come they ain't changed their look? It's the ninties! They should be skinnier and wearing heavy eye liner, but they look just the same as in the fifties. They're stuck! So, yeah, maybe that fag is helping you not to fidget and such, but why are you taking the word of tobacco that's wearing a 1950's jumper?"

It was almost nonsensical, but it made Julian self-consciously put out his cigarette. Noel's charisma translated to the stage. He had an ease with people, with being stared at, that the audience could sense. He had something like star quality.

Barratt & Fielding. Investment brokers. We make your money work FOR YOU!

They could come up with another name. Julian had thought he would prefer to live and die on his own - neither helped nor hindered by others - but he was wrong. It was lonely. On stage, he felt lonely, even when the crowd laughed - he felt isolated from their mirth. He liked working with Tim, but knew it wouldn't last. Tim was moving more and more behind the camera. He was so relentlessly self-critical of his performances, he made Julian feel zen. Tim had got it all wrong. While Julian prattled on like a coked-up twat, Tim looked cool and natural. It didn't matter. One of them was going to end it soon. What Julian needed was a partner who could pull focus, leave Julian free to do what he was good at: being strange and alienating. Noel drew attention. He radiated sweetness and light, and he dressed like an undercover cop posing as an underaged rentboy.

Julian was lonely and worried that he was getting old. There were better comedians on the circuit much older than he, but that wasn't the point. Julian had meant to be further along by now. He was hoping Asylum would stir some attention when it hit the air. There was a tremendous amount of talent attached to the show. Possibly too much; Julian was worried he'd be completely overshadowed.

Or he'd stand out as jittery and trying too hard.

It wasn't until Noel was wrapping up that it occured to Julian.

"Fuck," he growled to no one, "I have to follow that."

xxx

Julian skipped his usual "supersonic comedy" bit and did some strange miming. He told the audience he was gathering up all the words Noel had left "scattered about". It made Noel laugh harder than usual, because he was so excited. Noel had just done the best set of his life, and it was in front of Julian. Julian, a man he barely knew and who Noel wasn't sure actually liked him. Add in that Julian was often cold and rude, and anyone could see why Noel would be devoting all his time to trying to impress the guy. It had to be the wavy hair. Julian was like Errol Flynn with his rakish hair.

Dave kept ruffling Noel's hair and telling him he'd done well. Noel leaned his head on Dave's shoulder, making his friend's big head go red. Dave was a bit shy sometimes, but he felt like a brick wall, and Noel liked leaning on him. Nigel drew a picture of Noel onstage on a cocktail napkin and looked mortified when Noel started tearing up.

His parents were embarassing and wonderful. There's a horrible moment when Noel finds his mum chatting away with Julian. Noel tries to join them/stop his mother from saying anything too humiliating, but people keep getting in the way. By the time he gets to their corner on the room, his mother is kissing Julian on the cheek and patting his chest.

Julian was wonderful. He fussed over Noel like a proud father (nearly as boisterously proud as Noel's actual father), hugging him and, after a few too many, kissing him on the cheek. When Lee called him a bender, Julian gave Noel a proper snog (tongue and all). Noel made jokes and played with his hair and tried to stop blushing like a little girl. When Julian casually rests a hand on Noel's shoulder or hip, it's all Noel can think about. It was impossible to follow the conversation. Noel lets all of his potential rides leave without him, not quite ready to let the evening end. Julian knocks back beer after beer, but never really seems drunk. He's just a little looser than usual. When he offers Noel a ride home, Noel doesn't hesitate to get in the vehicle. The fear of dying in a fiery car crash seems insignificant next the chance to spend just a little more time with Julian fussing over him.

Julian made a thoughtful noise as he took a turn a little too sharply.

"I think I might be too pissed to drive," he mused. "There is a small chance we might both die."

Noel shrugged. "Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse."

"Can you live fast in a Ford Prefect?" Julian mused. "Not much of a headline. 'Ugly girl dies in fiery crash... while being driven home by her dad.' Not very rock and roll."

Looking at Julian in his windbreaker and trainers, Noel didn't see anything dad-like in Julian, but he was tickled by the image nonetheless. The longer he thought about it, the funnier it became, until he was having trouble catching his breath through his giggling.

"Maybe you should come in, have some tea," Noel suggested when Julian slowly pulled up in front of the flat he shared with Dave and Nigel. "If you're going to die in a car crash, it's got to be after the first episode of Asylum airs. Could be a ratings boost."

Julian agrees and stumbles a bit on his way up the stairs. Noel is certain he knows exactly how Julian feels. Now that they've left the club, the last remnants of adrenaline are wearing off and all that's left is beer and sleepiness.

"Before you come in, there's something you should know," Noel warned as he searched for his keys. He was feeling especially scatterbrained with Julian's breath on his neck. "Once you enter, you can never leave."

Julian was leaning against the doorjamb with his eyes closed.

He slowly opened his eyes and gave Noel direct eye contact, a rare enough occurence, and said, "S'all right. I haven't got much on, anyway."


	3. A Strange Tale Involving a Jelly Fox

Am I nothing?

Julian was in love. The Spoon Snake was made up of little blocks of color, and Noel explained (illustrating with scraps of paper) how the blocks would move in and out as the snake slithered and spoke. Julian was absolutely fascinated. Tim had been working on some animation for the Pod, and Julian enjoyed standing over his shoulder and marvelling. It was like discovering someone you've known for ages speaks a second language; the person suddenly seems new and exotic, almost alien, expressing thoughts and feelings without needing the aid of the English language. Remarkable.

Noel was completely red and his hands were shaking, but he didn't try to hide his work the way Tim would when he got shy. Tim folds under Julian's scrutiny, seeing criticism where there's nothing but admiration.

"Why is he the Jelly Fox?" Julian asked as he examined the series of paintings. The colors were bright but with great big slashes of black that gave them an ominous feel, despite the carnival colors. Julian doesn't know much about art, but they look like the kind of paintings he would buy if he bought paintings.

Noel is staring at him blankly, his all-too-pretty blues eyes unfocused.

"Why is he made of Jelly Tots?" Julian asked again.

Noel shrugged. "Because he's the Jelly Fox, that's why! He can't just be the Marmalade Fox or the Mars Bar Fox, that would be mental."

"Are these characters all Athenas?" Julian asked, "Just leaping forth from your brain fully formed?"

"I don't know what that means," Noel said, shyly rubbing the toe of his boot in circles on the carpet. Noel is practically feral by Julian's standards. When Noel doesn't know or understand something, he rushes to inform those around him of his ignorance. Instead of hiding his weaknesses, Noel holds a big yellow arrow towards them. It seems so uncivilized, like going to church without wearing pants.

Noel's mum and dad had seemed so normal, not at all the ex-hippies Julian expected. Noel's mother was sweet and charming and almost disturbingly attractive. Noel had mentioned his parents were young. There had been a moment, when she put her hand on his chest, that Julian had a fleeting thought about trying to pull Noel's mother.

Noel laughs when Julian laughs.

There are a startling number of portraits of Bryan Ferry. Another popular subject is Syd Barrett.

"I spell my name differently, you know," Julian pointed out, wondering if Julian Pettifer would have captured Noel's attention so fully.

"Yeah, you pronounce it different, too. Julian? Sounds nothing like Syd. Too many sylables. I'm going to call you Ju, it's closer."

"You can't call me Ju." Julian tried for a firm tone, but he was still laughing. "Ju is already a word. You can't go around saying, 'Hi, Ju,' and not upset a few people..."

"Can I call you Julie B.?"

Noel was standing far too close, looking up at Julian and licking his lips nervously.

"Only my mother is allowed to call me Julie B."

"Why's that?"

"She's pretty much running my career as a rapper," Julian explained, refusing to step back from Noel, who kept creeping closer into his personal space. "She's my Dre."

Noel collapsed on his bed, giggling. He'd been sipping alcopops all night, and he was girlie drink drunk. Julian dropped onto the bed next to Noel. He'd had about eight beers too many. He was going to be useless tomorrow. He would have been better off with whiskey on ice, but he hadn't wanted to get drunk; he'd just wanted to relax.

If he was any more relaxed, he'd be asleep.

"Do you want some tea? Coffee?" Noel asked. His voice had gone all squawky. He was nervous. He needed a dozen pints so he could be relaxed, like Julian. Like Julie B.

Julian stretched out on the bed, keeping one foot firmly on the floor to keep the room from spinning. "I'm fine, just... a little dizzy."

"You can really knock'em back," Noel observed as he slowly lowered himself down so he was lying face to face with Julian. "I never seen you drink so much."

Noel's cheeks were flushed and his eyes were glassy, like he had a fever. Julian brushed the younger man's fringe off of his forehead, causing Noel to gasp and then laugh hysterically. They took turns gasping and laughing until Julian gave in and gave Noel a kiss; just a quick, innocent kiss. Followed by a slightly longer, but still relatively innocent snog.

The third kiss involved a bit more tongue than Julian was expecting.

There were a lot of factors to consider. There was something of a friendship to be maintained. There was a germ of an idea of a partnership to be considered. There was the fact that Julian was paranoid and needy and incapable of casual sex.

Most importantly, there was the fact that Julian was usually useless in the sack when beer drunk. Whiskey can lead to some damn fine shagging, but beer can only bring lazy, bloated, slightly numb chaos to the bedroom.

Then there's the fact that Julian knows he doesn't want a relationship with a man.

It didn't seem worth the risk. Julian dreaded the idea of his beer-addled John Thomas simply losing interest with Noel. There was no way the kid wouldn't take it personally. Noel's hand was on Julian's thigh and working its way up. It was time to end things before they got out of hand. Or in hand, as it were.

Julian pulled Noel's hand from his thigh and pinned it above the smaller man's head. It made for a tempting enough sight that Julian had to spend a few more minutes exploring Noel's surprisingly soft lips before declaring it was time to go. Noel's confusion was clear as Julian awkwardly crawled his way off the bed. Julian had no doubt Noel would eventually understand it was for the best. In the moment, it's always easy to think the sex will be worth it, but it rarely is. Awkward, self-concious, first-time sex was never worth the social anxiety that followed.

Noel looked confused and embarrassed, but he didn't argue. He just walked Julian to the door, thanking him profusely for getting him on stage. For Noel, it was a pretty high profile gig.

Julian allowed himself one more searching kiss at the door, and then it was time to focus on the task of getting home safely. He needed to get back to his flat so he could wake up full of regret.

xxx

Noel crawled out of bed to pee and grab some sugary cereal and water, then it was back under the covers. Dave and Nigel kept checking on him, like a couple of mother hens. They seemed to find it hard to believe that Noel wanted to celebrate last night's success by hiding in his room. He couldn't tell them the rest of the story. He wasn't sure he understood the rest of the story.

He was very worried the story was over. He couldn't bear to go back to the days of Julian looking through him like he wasn't there. For nearly a year, his life had revolved around getting in on Julian's joke. As little time as they actually spent together, Noel savored every accidental touch, every half-smile, every surprised chuckle. He lived for those moments when Julian would give him a long-suffering look as some mediocre comedian talked about airline food or how women liked to shop. That look said, "You and I know comedy. He is not one of us."

He really wanted to be an "us" with Julian. The idea that he had finally earned Julian's respect as a performer only to lose it by acting like a lovesick schoolgirl made Noel burrow deep into his covers. He could just hide there forever with Bryan Ferry and the Jelly Fox.

The memory of Julian's enthusiasm for Noel's painting sent a rush of heat through his body. He'd avoided discussing his art with Julian (not difficult, since Julian rarely asked him any questions), but he worried that Julian would see his work as childish. Noel knew he wasn't going to be a "real artist", he'd worked that out early on, but he loved to paint. He'd already been told that, as a painter, he was a great performance artist. He wouldn't deny it stung, but he wasn't about to give up something he loved just because he wasn't destined to be great. He would happily settle for really good. Julian thought his paintings were really good. Julian thought his stand up was great.

Noel kept the duvet over his head as he shoved sugar covered bits of puffed grain into his mouth. He didn't taste a thing, but it made him feel like a little kid again. He briefly considered calling his mother before rejecting the idea as unwise. His mother was far too perceptive. Sometimes he wished she would just be a normal mum, one who would tell him to get a real job and stop mooning over a man when he was supposed to be at least mostly straight.

He must have dozed off mid-bite. When he was startled awake by a knocking at his bedroom door, there were half chewed cereal bits on his cheek and pillow.

"Noel, Julian's on the line. He wants to speak to you," Dave yelled through the door. Noel tripped on his duvet, running towards the phone.

Julian wanted to write the new Goodies.


	4. Baby Boosh

Julian had been on television enough for people to have a vague feeling they recognized him. Noel, despite having all of ten minutes of TV time under his belt, actually got recognized more often, due to his rather distinctive look. While people wondered if Julian was someone they'd been at school with, or perhaps the Vicar's son, they immediately recognized Noel as someone they had seen on telly.  
Noel crouched behind the piece of cardboard that made up half of their set and said, "If you bomb, I'm just staying down here. Dave can carry me off with the rest of the props."  
Julian only half laughed because he knew Noel was only half kidding. He felt absolutely confident that he and Noel were creating something new and special. At the moment it was a bit of shambles, but it was coming together. The sad truth was that comedy wasn't like music. You can't practice in your room until your fingers bled and then start playing in front of an audience after you've honed your craft. Comedy was all about dying. Death after death, peppered with the boisterous laugh of Noel's mother.  
She would be in the audience. Lee and James would be there. Noel would have his usual coeterie. It was tempting to just fill the audience with friendly faces, but that wouldn't tell them if the material worked. Comedy required unfriendly faces and lots of them.  
Asylum had been well received, though it was far from a hit. Julian had been attending a series of meetings/covert audtions for a new sketch show. He didn't want to say anything until it was confirmed, but he was fairly certain Noel was going to be brought in for an audtion as well. He hadn't been all that subtle in his lobbying for his new partner. He had complete faith in Noel's ability to be a television star and in his own ability to be a solid character actor. They were a solid duo with their wildly different personalities, but similar senses of humor. They had chemistry.   
"Why all the props?" Lee asked as he handed Julian another beer. "The two of you could just stand there talking and gazing into one another's eyes. That's really what the act is about. Understand, I am using the term 'act' very loosely."  
Julian rolled his eyes at Noel, who inexplicably blushed. The strangest things made Noel go red.  
Julian wouldn't deny that Lee had a point: The Mighty Boosh was all about chemistry. Julian's memories of their drunken fumble were pretty vague, and he was relieved Noel seemed content to pretend the whole thing had never happened. In another place and time, maybe there could have been something there. There could have been a passionate romance that either collapsed like a souffle or simply fizzled out with time. Julian believes he has the potential to be an excellent husband, but knows he is a godawful boyfriend. He hoped that Noel realized he had dodged a bullet that night. Sex would have led to being idealized and then torn to shreds as Julian searched for the fatal flaw that would end their relationship. The fact that Julian knew this was his pattern didn't make it any easier for him to change.  
"The audience is going to think you're lunatics," Lee observed. "Or drunks. Or drunken lunatics."  
Julian raised his beer bottle and proposed a toast to perceptive audiences.  
xxx  
Noel was about to pull. The girl was asking to touch his hair and talking about how her roommate was out of town. Noel felt like a stud. He'd always gotten on well with women, but it was different lately. Women were so much more aggressive after they saw Noel perform with Julian. Noel theorized they were reacting to the tension on stage. Occasionally, Julian would kiss him or hold his hand at the end of a show. Those were usually the nights Noel got laid.  
"I just love how you guys are just so magical..." She was flailing her arms a bit in her enthusiasm. "I just want to take you home!"  
That was an invitation.  
Noel suddenly found himself in the air, an arm wrapped around his waist.  
"We're going to be on telly," Julian cried into his ear. "Unnatural Acts is a go."  
"You're going to be on telly," Noel reminded his partner, who had clearly had one too many. "I'll be doing the laundry, as usual..."  
"I talked the director, he knows your work. Knows you're another fucking weirdo like me. Someone will be contacting you next week," Julian explained, putting Noel back on the ground but holding his waist tightly.  
The girl was giggling almost hysterically. "Are you really going to be on telly? That's amazing."  
"Noel is going to be a huge star," Julian said, pitching his voice a little deeper than usual. "Be careful. You might get sucked into his orbit."  
The girl giggled nervously. Noel knew exactly how she felt. She didn't get the joke, but desperately wanted to.  
Julian wrapped both arms around Noel and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.  
"Good show tonight, Little Man," he said, before ruffling Noel's hair and walking away. Noel blushed and readjusted his clothes.  
"So... that's Julian," Noel said with a shrug.  
The girl gently fluffed the side of Noel's hair. "He messed up your hair. What a brute."  
Noel gave a long-suffering sigh and pouted. "Men."  
Sex was on.  
xxx  
Rich Fulcher never fit in. Chubby, brainy kid and an army brat. Double whammy. It was: be funny, or come to school with a shot gun and tell the world why he didn't like Mondays. Rich learned to be funny.  
Julian was Rich's polar opposite: tall and lean, conventionally handsome, uninterested in being liked, contemplative in his humor. On stage, Julian was frenetic and twitchy, but in real life he was quiet and almost lethargic. He always slumped in his seat; only his darting eyes showed he was not quite as relaxed as he appeared on the surface. When they first met in the Paramount commissary, they'd hit it off immediately. Julian had been amiable and quick to laugh at Rich's antics. He'd repeatedly mentioned that his "partner" and Rich would be fast friends. Even after an hour of chatting, Rich still wasn't sure what Julian meant by "partner".

Rich didn't know many people in England and was eager to make friends and connections. Julian could be both. In fact, Julian invited him to take one of the opening slots for a show he was headlining. 

The night of the show, Julian looked through him. Good, bad, or indifferent, Rich was used to getting noticed in England. Julian's cold stare sent him back to high school. Rich considered locking himself in his room with some Dylan while he wrote sad poetry (that he would store in his Trapper Keeper). 

It wasn't until Rich was about to go on that Julian actually acknowledged him. The comedian on stage was hitting all the usual topics, like a Mad Libs comedy act. 

"Don't you hate (noun)? (Same noun) makes me want to (adverb) (verb). Unless you're (Proper Name), you shouldn't be (gerund) at the (name of place)."

He didn't notice Julian until his hand was on Rich's shoulder. Julian leaned in close to whisper in Rich's ear.

"This guy's really sucking the life out of the room. Good luck that you're up next. Good luck for me, that is. You're going to have a hell of time waking the audience up."

Julian gave him a wolfish grin and a pat on the back before abruptly walking away. Rich had a sudden urge to chase after Julian and beg for his attention and approval, but he resisted. He needed to save his pathetic pleas for attention for the audience.

xxx

Watching Noel and Julian interact, Rich again wondered exactly what Julian meant when he said "partner". Noel was pretty in a distinctly male way. When Julian would slouch, Noel would lean forward so he still had to look up to Julian. Julian had held the door for Noel and brushed a stray hair from his face. They had a strong 'couple' vibe, but then Noel started teasing Julian about a young actress.

"You only fancy her because her name is Julia," Noel teased, while twirling his hair around his finger. "You just want to be able to call out your own name in bed. Oh, Juliaaa...n. Girls are smart, she'll figure it out."

Julian threw his hands in the air and shrugged. "It's worth a try."

Noel giggled and began fidgeting with his Styrofoam cup of coffee. Julian had already teased him about being unable to drink "proper coffee". Rather than just add more sugar, Noel seemed determined to force the drink down his throat.

"What are you doing to that cup?" Rich asked. "What did it ever do to you? It just wants to hold your beverage, for the love of god, let it love you!"

Noel held out a tiny piece of the cup. "This is my wife."

Rich snatched the piece from Noel's hand and started to kiss it tenderly. Noel laughed until he couldn't breath. Julian rubbed Noel's shoulders and told him to calm down. He shot Rich a look over Noel's head that made Rich feel very strange.

It made him feel like he belonged


	5. Growing Pains

Every job offer that came Noel's way seemed to begin with, "Julian said..."

He was grateful for all the work Julian was throwing his way, but it made him wonder if he was even good enough to make it on his own. He'd been making his own headway as a stand-up, but things had suddenly shifted into high gear when he began working with Julian. He felt so much like a little brother hanging on to his brother's coattails, he'd actually begun bringing his younger brother on the occasional road trip. He suddenly understood what it was like for Mike to live in his shadow, to be "Fielding, the lesser". He was on telly and getting recognized in the streets, but he had a feeling that among his peers, he was Julian's little friend with the hair. Maybe that was because Lee kept referring to Noel as Julian's 'little friend with the hair'. He loved living with Ju and Lee - he always felt like he was he was at an ultra-cool party - but he missed the comfort of Dave and Nigel. They used to get anxious about things and talk about how they were all big loser failures who would die alone, after years of practicing their "art" as face painters for childrens' parties. Then they would take turn describing how awesome they all were. Noel would get choked up as he told Dave and Nigel how they felt like big brothers because they were so much smarter and more worldly than he. Then they would say he was just already in denial about his age.

Lee and Julian were dark and ironic, self-deprecating and cynical. The only compliment floating around in that atmosphere was the big one. Unlike the rest of the world, Noel didn't perpetually annoy Ju and Lee, and thus, he was allowed into their world. When Lee suggested Noel for a job, it was validating. Julian had his own reasons for wanting Noel to get exposure; Lee just thought Noel was funny. It was reassuring.

He was a nervous wreck on the set of "Unnatural Acts". Julian wheeled and dealed, convinced he and Noel should have their own show, pushing for more double act scenes like the zookeeper stuff. Noel was afraid he was the reason no one at the BBC was biting. Julian was getting acting offers all the time. They'd been well-received in the Stewart Lee stage show and had begun writing their own stage show. The word from the BBC seemed to be that they couldn't see how The Mighty Boosh would work without a big budget. The stage show would hopefully prove they didn't need fancy sets; the DIY look suited them.

While filming "Unnatural Acts", it was Rich Fulcher that Noel clung to. He didn't want to be under Julian's feet all day long, but he felt like he was in a foreign country. Everyone around him just seemed to know what to do. Noel didn't even know how loud to speak in front of the camera. When the director, Trevor, prompted Noel to speak up, Julian looked embarrassed and Noel was mortified. Julian was always on him to speak more clearly.

"It's all about volume moderation!" Rich screamed. "You need to speak in a normal tone, like me!"

Noel's laugh was bordering on hysterical because of his nerves. Julian was probably trying to be soothing by putting his arm around Noel's waist, but it had the opposite effect; it always did. Julian was the most neurotic person Noel had ever met and suffered from terrible stage fright, but he knew how to put on the face when it was time to perform. Once the cameras were rolling or the curtains opened, Julian was cool as a cucumber.

When Noel finally got his nervous laughter under control, the director called action. Noel blanked on his line entirely. The next take, Julian stumbled on a word.

"I'm sorry, I fucked it up," Julian apologized, putting his arm around Noel's shoulders. "Next one's a keeper, eh? No more mucking about."

Noel briefly rested his head on Julian's shoulder, trying to absorb some calm and confidence.

"Are the two of you going to make a baby?" Rich asked with feigned seriousness.

"Weeee already have," Julian said, placing his hand on Noel's stomach, "and we're going to name it Rich Fulcher..."

"Is a twat face," Noel finished. When Julian, Rich and Trevor all lost it and gave in to giddy laughter, Noel suddenly felt ten feet tall. The feeling never lasted long enough, but it would get him through the rest of the day.

xxx

The Pod had a regular slot on Comedy Nation, the Boosh had a regular gig at the Hen & Chickens, but they were about to play Edinburgh. Simon, Jessica and Edgar were working on a television pilot and had written a role for Julian based on his character in "Asylum". Things were going well. There was no reason for Julian to be a miserable git, and yet...

Lee fucking Mack was telling him to lighten up.

He was anxious all the time. There were too many angels and devils whispering in his ear, giving him conflicting advice. He needed to focus on the Pod, he needed to focus on the Boosh, he needed to focus on his stand-up, he needed to focus on his acting. He needed to remain artistically pure. He needed to make some fucking money. Noel drove him crazy with his flakiness, endless chatter, and obsession with all things ridiculous.

Noel would also sit at his feet and listen to him play guitar for hours. Sometimes, he'd bring his latest girl home and they'd make requests like Julian was a one man cover band. 

And Noel was amazing on stage. He was terrible at staying on script, but he had what appeared to be an effortless charm. No one would guess he was capable of being nervous, watching him interact with the audience. It was nearly impossible to tell the scripted jokes from the improv; they all sounded spontaneous. Occasionally, the South London ragamuffin came out with a heckler, but Noel was learning to balance out his pixie-like qualities with his sharper edges. He was a nearly perfect partner, always attentive to what Julian was trying to accomplish. 

Offstage, he borrowed Julian's things and didn't return them, forgot pans on the burner and nearly burned down the building, filled the bathroom with hair products, couldn't drive OR read a map, stayed up far too late partying when they needed to work, and today, today, he had destroyed Julian's shirt. Julian barely remembered the girlfriend who'd given him the shirt but he very clearly remembered the reason. She said Julian needed something to make him distinctive, that his appearance was too ordinary. Julian no longer needed the Hawaiian shirts (he had Noel to draw attention), but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

The Edinburgh shows were bearing down on them like a train.

"You know how to read!" Julian yelled, holding the shirt by the label. "I know you do, because you read the directions on your twelve kinds of hairspray and mousse and all the other shit you need to look like a hedgehog drag queen..."

Noel covered his mouth in shock when he saw the miniaturized shirt in Julian's hand. Then he started to laugh.

Julian kicked the laundry basket over, dumping the freshly washed clothes on the ground. Noel wasn't laughing any more.

"What are you doing, you berk? I just washed them!"

"I don't notice any of your clothes being destroyed in the wash..."

"I don't notice you ever doing laundry!" Noel yelled back. "You know the water temperature is dodgy..."

"I don't need fucking excuses from you, I need you to do things right. I need you to pay attention..."

"It's one shirt and it's ugly anyway..."

"It's not one shirt! It's everything! I'm sick of playing your dad, you need to grow up and take some responsibility..."

Julian stopped in shock as a stack of leaflets hit him in the face. 

Julian's father had given him a piece of advice when he was a teenager. He'd said, "When you're angry, always stop and take a deep breath. That breath will keep you out of gaol."

It had seemed well barmy at the time, but the advice stuck. Julian took a deep breath.

Noel turned pale and ran into the house. Julian watched him scurry away and wondered what on earth had scared him off.

xxx

"Your domestic disturbance made the Scotsman," Lee pointed out over breakfast. The flat they shared at home was small, but it was a palace compared to the rooms they were renting in Edinburgh. There was no point in pretending they had any privacy.

Julian looked guilty and Noel looked embarrassed. Julian had been on edge for weeks, and Noel was taking the exact wrong approach: he was trying not to piss off Julian. The longer Brittle Barratt tried to keep his emotions in check, the bigger the ultimate explosion. It was better to get a big stick and poke away.

"I can't get someone in to review my show, but your fights are getting write-ups in the Scotsman," Lee observed, dryly. 

Julian laughed.

Noel said, "Well, we did use props."

Julian laughed harder and ruffled Noel's hair as he walked out of the room. 

The look Noel gave Lee was so grateful, it made him uncomfortable. For the first time ever, Noel reminded Lee of Roger. He'd never seen a resemblance before.


	6. Intimacy

"You were terrific, you really kept your cool..."

"You were amazing! The line you improved about the Hen & Chickens..."

"We aren't meant for that size crowd..."

"The Boosh is about intimacy, that's why we won."

"And that's why we bombed."

Noel laughed and buried his face in Julian's chest. They were curled up on Julian's bed, holding one another after a horrible, horrible performance at Edinburgh. After the elation of winning Best Newcomer, they were properly humbled by bombing in front of a massive audience. 

"It wasn't that bad," Julian mused, his breath ruffling Noel's hair. "It just wasn't very good."

Noel wished he could crawl into Julian's bed for a cuddle without having to be humiliated first.

Noel closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep when Julian tried to wake him up and send him to his own bed. It didn't take much for Julian to give up and simply turn off the lights. He fought to stay awake, but it was difficult with Julian gently stroking his hair.

xxx

The new show was even better than the first. They were finally able to bring in Rich Fulcher. Their hopes of working on a show for the BBC with Rich and Sean Cullen had rather relied on Sean remaining in the country. Word from the BBC was The Mighty Boosh were a brilliant stage show, but could it work on TV? Julian hadn't taken it well.

They'd added the beautiful, brilliant, and oddly bashful Richard Ayoade. Offstage, he was shy and self-deprecating. Onstage, he was a massive tool and absolutely hilarious. Michael was playing Naboo the Enigma. He only spoke twice, but he had good lines. It worried Noel to bring his brother in and subject him to all the stress and criticism that came with live performance. He addressed his fears to Julian who laughed and said, "He has a South London lisp! He has to be in the show."

How could he argue with that logic? Having Mike along made Noel feel like an adult, for once. He tried to run interference and protect Michael when he could. His little brother was already a pothead, but there were far too many other drugs available as they toured Australia. As with everything, it was all old news to Julian. Noel had been scandalized the first time Julian offered him a bump. It was like having his dad offer to tie him off. Cocaine made Julian... not all that different. If anything, he seemed more relaxed. Noel would feel ready to climb the walls, and Ju would wax philosphical about jazz and comedy. All the stimulants seemed to mellow Julian out a bit. Pot, Benzos and opiates put Julian to sleep. Noel had spent more than one paranoid night staring at Julian to make sure he was still breathing. Julian said hallucinogenics were redundant with Noel around. While it wasn't really a compliment, it still made Noel blush.

Michael already had liver problems; he didn't need to be partying like a rock star.

The last thing Michael needed was to be curled up in a corner with a numb face and racing thoughts, while Julian banged on about Weather Report. Noel would not recomend the experience.

"Stop talking about jazz," Noel pleaded. "You're giving me a panic attack."

"You fear jazz," Julian teased, looking relaxed except that he kept rubbing his nose, checking for residue.

"Where's Mike?" Noel asked, suddenly panicked. "I forgot to watch over Mike!"

"Calm down, chewy teeth, he took off to the beach with some girl. I don't think he wants you watching," Julian said with a distinctly un-Julian giggle.

"No way! He's going to beat me to beach sex? That little motherfucker."

"You've never had sex on a beach?" Julian asked, his stare suddenly intense.

Noel felt himself blushing. "I don't go to the beach. Have you done it?"

Julian fell off his bed laughing and scooted over to Noel's corner.

"I can barely handle the stress of keeping it up in private."

"You done it with that girl in a cab," Noel reminded him. Julian only talked about his sex life when it made for a funny story. That story had ended with the cabbie recognizing Julian and telling him his mum fancied him on "Unnatural Acts".

"I was pissed and she did all the work. And there was no sand or threat of jellyfish. Or sharks."

"That is something they forgot to put in the "Jaws" films," Noel chuckled. "They needed more scenes of Jaws sneaking up on couples shagging on the beach."

"First you've got sand in your crevices, then you've had your leg chomped off at the knee by a great white," Julian pontificated, pulling Noel into a half hug. "It's too much for me to deal with."

"I'm pretty sure it's a law that you have to shag on the beach in Australia. I don't think they let you leave until you can produce some sand in your nether regions. If we want to see England again," Noel explained, "We're going to have to shag on the beach."

It wasn't until Julian made a suggestive noise that Noel realized what he had said. He didn't bother explaining his wording; Julian knew what he really meant. 

He meant just what he said.

xxx

Julian was slurring his words and chain smoking - normally a bad sign, but tonight he was in a good mood. He was just going on about his favorite obsession, the lovely Julia Davis. Julian always had a new theory why Julia wouldn't go out with him. Noel thought it might have something to do with the fact that Julian never actually asked her out.

"The thing is - so this is the thing: the first time I met Julia, I was still dating Roger, so now she sees me as this sexually confused person who is desperate for affection - which is true - but not a reason she shouldn't marry me," Julian said with great authority, as he tapped on the mahogany bar before adding, "and have my babies."

"You wanna repeat that?" Noel asked, his stomach somewhere on the floor. He clutched at his bar stool for support.

"I want Julia to have my babies," Julian repeated with exagerrated annoyance. "Keep up."

"Who the fuck is Roger?" Noel could feel his face turning red, and Julian was just giving him a guileless look like there was nothing strange or earth-shattering in what he had just said.

Julian twitched. "Roger. Bass player? I know you've met him. Tall, darkish, glasses..."

"You said you were dating Roger when you met Julia," Noel squawked, hating the high-pitched tone coming from his mouth.

They had been sitting at the bar so closely their shoulders were pressed together, and Noel could smell the whiskey on Julian's breath. Now there was a foot between them, and Julian had lost his loopey, drunken, Julia Davis loving expression.

"Yeah?"

"Well... He's a man!" Noel whispered, exasperated by Julian's confusion, like he had no idea what Noel was on about. "Since when did you date men?"

"I don't, not since Roger, and that only lasted two months... Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You're wearing eye-liner, for Christ's sake, you can't be that straight," Julian said in his I'm-joking-now-but-I'm-about-to-get-pissed-off voice. Noel knew it was time to retreat. That would be the smart thing to do.

"So you were fucking some guy named Roger for two months... When was this? How has this never come up before now?"

It was the moment Julian should have either started yelling or simply stormed off; instead, he slumped over the bar. "I don't like to talk about it."

"I guess not!" Noel couldn't control the pitch of his voice. Soon only dogs would be able to hear him. "Does everyone but me know about this?"

"This?" Julian repeated, running his tongue over his teeth. "Yeah. We're not having this conversation."

"Why do you just get to decide what we will and won't talk about? You're just the god in this relationship? You just get to hand down decrees from your fucking mountain..."

"You're yelling, and you're yelling utter shite, so I'm leaving," Julian said in his all-too-familiar, icy tone before downing his lager. "Piss off, Noel."

"Fuck you, Ju!" Noel yelled. As soon as he did, he silently acknowledged that Julian had a point about going around calling someone Ju. It did sound a bit anti-semitic during an argument.

Julian walked away like Noel wasn't worth glaring at.


	7. Better Than FIne

Noel chased Julian out of the bar, weaving like the footballer he was through the crowd until he caught up with Julian in the street.

"Julian! Don't fucking walk away from me!" Noel yelled, furious when Julian didn't even slow his pace. " At least talk to me about... about what this means."

"It has nothing to do with you!" Julian snapped, just glancing over his shoulder. "The world doesn't revolve around you."

Noel reached out for Julian's arm, but Julian pulled away. "Please, Ju. Talk to me."

Julian sighed and slumped his shoulders. "It was a long time ago, before I knew you. Why does it matter?"

"Because that's a big thing," Noel explained with a frustrated sigh. "That's something a friend should know."

"I suppose it is," Julian responded in an icy tone.

"I tell you everything and you tell me nothing. Sometimes I feel like I don't know you at all."

Julian frowned. "And that's my fault, is it? You don't know a thing about me so... I'm the bad friend."

Julian turned on his heel and stormed off. Noel couldn't move.

It wasn't until Julian disapeared into the crowd that Noel's brain starting working again.

"Ju!"

Noel ran through the crowd, screaming at the top of his lungs, until he ran straight into Julian's chest.

"You've gone wrong, Noel," Julian sighed before walking away again.

"Don't leave me crying in the streets like..."

Julian stopped short, again causing Noel to run into him.

"Crying like what?" Julian asked.

Noel felt like he needed to choose his words carefully; Julian was about to take one of his deep breaths.

"Like... I don't know, like someone who runs through the streets crying. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I never know what will make you angry. It's not 'cause I don't care, I care, Ju." Tears were spilling down his cheeks and people were looking. "I'm sorry I don't understand you. I just don't know..."

Why you don't want me if you wanted him.

"I don't know," Noel said weakly, scrubbing at his face. He needed more sleep and less liquor.

He nearly sagged under the weight of Julian's hand on his arm. He allowed himself to be steered away from the street towards the beach.

xxx

Julian smoked two cigarettes before he started talking.

"There's no big story, it just didn't work out."

Noel tried to remember meeting a Roger. How had he met the man and not known?

"I thought it would be different with another man, but it wasn't. It was exactly the same," Julian continued before flopping down onto his back in the sand. Noel gently lowered himself down, carefully leaving space between them. 

"It must have been a little different," Noel pointed out gently, "I mean, if it wasn't, you've been doing something wrong..."

He was relieved when Julian chuckled, even more so when he was pulled in for a one-armed hug. Roger couldn't have appreciated being held by Julian the way Noel did. No one could.

"He said I was closed off, distant, " Julian continued. Noel wanted to look at his face, but Julian had his head pressed to his chest. Noel wondered how many of Julian's embraces were simple attempts to avoid eye contact.

"We're men, for Christ's sake. We're English!" Julian's laugh was free of mirth. He let go of Noel's head. Noel slowly moved his head until he could see Julian's face. The older man looked heartbroken.

"I'm not that bad," Julian whispered, "am I?"

Noel pressed his lips to Julian's chest. "You're fine, Julian. You're better than fine."

There were so many things Noel wanted to say, but he didn't dare. He was afraid of being rejected by Julian. 

He was afraid of not being rejected. Roger had a point.

When Julian kissed him on stage, it was always a bit rough. Noel still wasn't sure why those kisses happened; he never dared to ask. This kiss was gentle, like the first kiss in Noel's bedroom. This one was a little less sloppy, but no less exciting. Noel tangled his fingers in Julian's hair, determined to enjoy every minute before Ju decided to up and leave.

Julian rolled Noel onto his back and settled himself between Noel's legs. It was dark in their little alcove, but the glow from a disco was peeking over the rocks. They should have moved farther down the beach.

Noel's concerns were obliterated by Julian's hand on his crotch. They were exactly where they should be, nowhere could be better. Fuck the disco. Julian shushed him when he made even the slightest noise. Noel was so nervous, he didn't even try to touch Julian until his hand was shoved down the Northener's pants. Once granted access, Noel did his best to make up for his lack of initiative. He didn't have much experience with other men, but he certainly knew how to wank.

"Fuck," Julian whispered appreciatively. "This is going to last about ten seconds."

"Good," Noel whispered, "Because we're going to get arrested. There's old ladies playing checkers ten feet away."

Julian chuckled quietly. "It's a bit late for old ladies on the beach."

Noel bit his lip and tried to think about the disaproving eyes of old ladies. It bought him a few more minutes. "They're up early, gettin' ready for breakfast. You know how old people are when it comes to eating early."

Julian hadn't finished laughing when he went back to snogging Noel. Noel came first, as he expected, but Julian wasn't far behind - finally giving Noel a chance to do some shushing.

Julian didn't look at him as they cleaned up and pulled their clothes into place. Even as he held out a hand to help Noel up, he still kept his eyes averted. 

Noel had no delusions about what had just happened. It was an abberation, a moment of weakness because Julian was feeling vulnerable and down. It didn't mean anything.

The tension was so thick between them, Noel felt like he was walking through pudding as they headed back to their hotel.

"At least we know they'll let us out of the country," Noel joked as their hotel came into view. Julian laughed and put his arm around Noel, pulling his head to Julian's chest and making it impossible for Noel to see his expression.


	8. Yellow

Dee normally didn't give a shit about comedians, but Sue said she would like these guys, if only because of the sexual tension.

 

"They fucking snogged at the end of the show. No reason, the big one just slapped a kiss on the little one," Sue explained, her words a bit slurred from a few too many.

Dee did like to watch men kiss. The next night, she and Sue went to see the Mighty Boosh.

The night after that, the little one was at her gig. He was easy to pick out, with his bent nose and gorgeous eyes. He was wearing make-up and cowboy boots. He looked like a kid who'd gotten into his mother's things, and his mother had really amazing taste in boots.

"I am going to kick your ass and take those boots," Dee said by way of introducing herself. The little one gave an almost shy smile.

"You can't handle these boots. They'll be runnin' free while you just try 'n keep up."

"Where's the other one?" Dee asked, looking around for the big one.

"The other what?" he asked, looking at his boots.

"Your partner, the big one," Dee explained. It pissed her off when people talked about her and Sue like they were Siamese twins. She assumed it would piss off Beautiful Eyes as well. For good measure she added, "You know, the funny one."

He laughed and asked to buy her a drink. He was drinking a soda, saying he'd recently had some liver problems.

"Woke up yellow one day. Ju tried to get me to go to the hospital before I even did my hair! Mental."

"You have a friend named Jew?" Dee asked as she downed her pint, indicating that Little Pretty Eyes should get her another.

"Yeah, he's genius," he said, his cheeks turning pink as he spoke. "He's the big one. The funny one."

They were snogging on the couch in the "dressing room"/utility closet when Sue came through the door. It was during the obligatory introductions that Dee learned the little one was called Noel.

xxx

"We definit-titly need to write you into the show," Simon slurred over his pint.

"Definite titly," Noel repeated with a laugh, stirring his ice water like a cocktail. His color was back to normal, but Julian couldn't help staring at him. While he felt the good and supportive thing to do would be to cut back on his own drinking while Noel had to live as a teetotaler, he couldn't really deal with Noel's illness without the aid of liquor. Noel had turned yellow. It had been two weeks ago, and Noel was recovering like a champ, but Julian still woke up in the morning thinking of Noel's jaundiced face as he'd driven his friend to the hospital - Noel fussing with his hair in the rearview mirror the whole time. 

"Maybe they'll cast you as Daisy," Jessica smirked. "You know they'll want to get someone in who's thinner and prettier..."

"What are you on about?" Noel squawked, waving his arms. "You are fit. I asked Ju to put in a word for me during 'Asylum'. He said I was delusional."

Jessica snorted and punched Noel in the arm. Simon went a bit red and drained his pint. Julian had no idea if Noel had asked him about Jessica; his memory wasn't great at the best of times, and he'd always been drunk when he talked to Noel in those days. It was still his number one coping mechanism. Nothing else took away life's sharp edges. It was more likely that he'd told Noel that if he'd thought Jessica was available, he'd have made a move himself. He'd assumed there was either something between Jessica and Simon, or there soon would be. He was still a little surprised they weren't a couple; they had such obvious chemistry. Even as Jessica and Noel chatted and flirted, the chemistry between Jessica and Simon was palpable.

Of course, chemistry was a delicate thing. It didn't take much to throw things off, to make things awkward and difficult where they had always been easy before. 

"Even Dee thinks..." Noel was cut off by a collective groan from the table. It had become a running joke, but Noel couldn't seem to go five minutes without mentioning his girlfriend, regardless of how much he was teased. Julian thought it was cute. Noel was a romantic at heart. He wanted to be in love.

"I'm trying to talk about girl on girl action here!" Noel protested. "And I'm getting groans from the audience? You lot need to try a life of moderation."

Julian clinked his beer bottle to Noel's water glass. "To the moderate ways of Noel Fielding."

"Dee says moderation is great," Simon simpered, twirling an imaginary piece of hair. "She also says I like ice water..."

Julian laughed, but he also threw his arm around Noel and gave him a peck on the top of the head. After all Noel had been through, he could be as annoying as he liked about his new lady.

As they drank and convinced themselves that "Spaced" was going to make them all huge stars, Julian watched Jessica and Simon interact. The attraction was obvious, but maybe it was better that they kept it in the performance. It would be terrible to see such a natural partnership disintegrate because Simon wouldn't take out the trash or Jessica's best friend was always coming over unannounced. 

There were so many ways to be a couple, and each one brought its own risks and rewards. In the waiting room, wondering if Noel would ever be all right again, Julian had promised himself that he would never again do anything to risk their friendship. No more fights about trivial things, no more sorry scenes like the one on the beach. Noel had always seemed immune to the dangers of the real world, with his perpetual, wide-eyed innocence, but his illness proved he was just as fragile as everything else Julian cared about.

It also made Julian realize just how much he needed Noel, not just as a friend and colleague but as a grounding presence in his life. When Julian felt like he was spiraling out of control and on the edge of losing everything, it was Noel he looked to to stay focused. His feral imp who always rolled with the punches, who always accepted Julian as the sum of his flaws. 

He was used to worrying about Noel in a professional capacity. He wanted to help Noel, but he worried about smothering his natural talents and undermining him as an individual performer. It was in Julian's nature to over-analyze, but he felt a lot of responsibility to his partner. The six years between them were enormous in performance years. He wanted to shield Noel from the bumps and bruises that came with the industry, but it was impossible. He certainly couldn't protect Noel from the moody, needy, paranoid, neurotic bag of vice that was Julian Barratt. Every time Julian tried to pull himself together, to be a little less fragile and dependent on the opinion of others, he was accused of being cold and distant. Noel sometimes argued that they should just use their own names in the stage show (since they frequently slipped and used their real names anyway), but Julian needed to be Howard Moon on stage. It was hard enough being Julian offstage; he needed somewhere to escape. 

He tried to explain it all to Noel as they walked back to their hotel, but Julian was way too pissed and Noel was far too sober. He kept insisting that Julian didn't need to change or hide, that he was fine as he was.

Julian pinned Noel against the wall in an alley and snogged him until a cop shooed them away. It was the only way he could be completely honest with Noel without making him cry or run away. It was a good thing Dee wasn't the jealous type. She was tiny, but Julian had no doubt she could stab him in the knee before he had a chance to explain he wasn't a threat. Julian wasn't a threat to anyone.


	9. Auto Boosh

"Spaced" was a go, Julian was not, and he was crushed. It was a silly contractual conflict, but no one involved in "Spaced", including Julian, had the clout to have the show delayed. Julian's role was recast. It made Noel angry that Julian was replaced by Mark Heap, because Noel quite liked Mark and wanted to hate the person playing what should have been Julian's role. Julian insisted he was fine; he was happy for Mark and he was glad to focus on the Boosh. Then he didn't get out of bed for three days. 

"I'd like to bring the Hitcher into the mix," Noel announced as he climbed in bed with his flatmate. Julian growled, but moved over to give Noel room.

"We'll do a stage show about a road trip! Genius," Noel continued. "I love that character. I like to be evil."

"With his minty vision?" Julian asked, sounding grouchy but looking interested. "We had some good car gags."

"The Gary Numan collection? Genius."

"Isadora Duncan," Julian added.

"Bootlace roads."

"We spend half our lives in a car or bus, and you still can't be arsed to learn how to drive," Julian grumbled. His three-day-stubble rather suited him. Noel teased Julian about his occasionally shambolic look, but he actually preferred it when his partner looked a bit rough around the edges.

"Don't be mean to me, Ju. You know you would never let me drive, anyway."

Julian ruffled Noel's hair. "Fair do's."

Noel allowed his hair to be carelessly destroyed by Julian's long fingers. A mangled barnet was a small price to pay for Julian's undivided attention, especially when Julian was in the middle of an epic strop. Julian pressed the back of his hand to Noel's forehead.

"You're not even trying to protect your hair. Are you ill?"

"I'm sorry things didn't work out, Ju. I really am," Noel said, throwing an arm around Julian. If Ju was going to kick him out of bed for mentioning the cause of his sulk, Noel wanted to get a snuggle in first.

"Sorry that what didn't work out?" Julian asked, suddenly snapping out of his stupor.

Noel felt like he was standing on a precipice. He needed to tread carefully.

"Sorry about the show. I was a bit jealous n'all," Noel admitted. It felt good to say it out loud. "But I really wanted it to work out for you."

"Oh, that," Julian said with a thoughtful nod.

"What did you think I was talking about?" Noel asked, but it was already too late. Julian's face had already closed for business. It would take a crowbar to pry off the mask, once Julian decided to end a conversation.

"Why are you in my bed?" Julian asked, still sounding irritable but continuing to play with Noel's hair.

"Why does a man crawl into another man's bed?" Noel purred. Julian raised his eyebrows suggestively, and Noel panicked.

"I need a sleepy," Noel said, tucking a pillow under his head.

Julian chuckled and rolled over, leaving Noel to stare at the back of his head and wonder.

xxx

It was a silly, kind of cheeky chat show. A low-budget bit of fluff, but quite naughty, hosted by "Aphrodite". Julian wanted no part of it; he wasn't keen to discuss his sex life with his friends, much less strangers. 

Julian suggested Noel do it alone and said it would be good publicity.

It was all a blur. He forgot to look at the camera. He didn't do a thing to promote the Boosh. He blubbered on about Dee.

The host asked him about losing his virginity.

She made him do a "cum face" for the camera.

He felt buzzed for days. Julian kept teasing him about his future as a teen heartthrob in Australia. The night the interview clip aired, he and Julian watched it together in their hotel room. Noel looked nervously from the TV to Julian's face, needing to see if he was making Julian laugh. It had been a while since he'd done any performing on his own, and he was eager for Julian's approval.

Julian ruffled his hair while Noel banged on about boots and Dee. 

Then the part about the gods came up. Noel had forgotten that part. The hostess was supposed to be the goddess Aphrodite, so they had talked about having sex with gods. Noel said:

"He's not interested. He just wants a quick handjob, and he's gone."

And:

"That's the problem with gods: they take what they want, then they're gone."

Just jokes that didn't mean a thing, jokes that weren't about anyone or anything. He wouldn't have thought twice about them if Julian hadn't turned to stone. His entire body tensed, and his face was granite. Noel spent the rest of the evening tiptoeing around the room, trying not to set Julian off. Noel and Dee fought all the time, big, angry fights with yelling and door slamming. Dee threatened to cut his balls off at least once a month, but the fights never lasted to the next morning. They woke up and laughed about the previous night's blowout.

Two fights with Julian, and Noel was terrified to have a third. Everything went to hell between them when they argued. It was like they had to fall in love all over again. He was undressing for bed when he finally broke.

"I didn't mean nothing, Ju! I was just making jokes. I was nervous."

Noel wanted to look at Julian through his fingers, the way he had watched monster movies as a kid. He needed some kind of protection if Julian was going to look at him in that cold way. Noel couldn't take a direct hit.

"Ju, don't be cross with me. I didn't do nuthin'. It were jokes."

"I'm not angry," Julian said, sounding muffled.

Noel risked a peek at Julian and found his partner was already in bed, clutching one of his pillows like a teddy bear. He was peering at Noel from over his protective pillow, looking more sad than anything.

Noel knelt on the bed next to his friend and gave his curly head a pat. "It didn't mean nuthin'."

"Do you ever get the feeling you and I are talking about two completely different things?" Julian asked, his eyes impossible to read.

"Only all the time!" Noel exclaimed. "Sometimes I think we're writing two different bits as well, but it all works together somehow. My bits and your bits..."

Noel froze and waited for Julian to respond. After mulling it over for a moment, Julian grabbed Noel by the collar of his shirt and pulled him down onto the bed. He tickled Noel mercilessly with his freakishly long fingers that seemed to reach every rib at once.

"So you think our bits go together?" Julian asked as Noel shamelessly cried out for mercy. He'd grown up as the big brother; he wasn't used to being manhandled. He was used to doing the torturing.

"Only our comedy bits, our comedy bits join together..." Noel panted. "But only at night, with the lights out, and under the duvet."

After nearly making him wet his pants, Julian eased up on the tickling, throwing an arm around Noel as he clutched his sides.

"You bastard," Noel whined. "That was some non-consensual tickling, mate! I'll have you for this."

"You're wearing a shirt with skeleton ribs over your real ribs," Julian observed. "You might as well be holding a sign that says, 'Tickle me'."

"Don't go blamin' the victim," Noel pouted, snuggling into Julian's arms. Julian let him stay put long enough to pretend to fall asleep.

Then he fell asleep.


	10. The Calf and Cow

Jules told her not to make a fuss and not to waste her money, so Jackie only planned to pick up a few things for her son and his friends as they passed through Yorkshire. Of course, she'd have to pick up some fizzy drinks and sweets for Noel. She imagined Rich would probably like fizzy drinks as well, being American. She'd pick up some "Krispy Kreme" doughnuts in the morning. Company was a good excuse to buy something so absurdly unhealthy, and it might make Rich feel more at home. Julian and Noel made him sound like such a crazy character, but whenever she saw him, he was as quiet and polite as if he were in church. Jackie couldn't imagine being so far from home.

And there was the other Rich, the one who went to Cambridge. He'd been to the house once and had taken his tea without sugar. She believed it was because he had been raised posh and appreciated a good tea. Jules insisted it was because Richard hated to be a bother. She'd picked up a good Earl Grey, to be safe. She couldn't go by Jules' assessment; he was in his own little world and always had been. He could never see what was right in front of him. Poor Roger had hung on his every word for years before Jules realized they weren't just friends. Jackie had tried to talk to her son, but he couldn't be told. When he'd told his parents he and Roger were a couple, he'd opened with, "I don't need to hear, 'I told you so'..."

Jackie held her tongue. She rather hoped Jules would eventually settle down with a woman and give her grandchildren, but she had accepted long ago that she would never have any say. Jules was a wonderful son, but he was difficult at times.

He could never be told.

Now he came around with his comedy partner, and it was Roger all over again. Noel gazed at Jules as though he had hung the stars and the moon, but Jules insisted they were just friends. He pointed to Noel's girlfriend, as though that meant anything. Even Elton John had been married! Jackie well knew that a person could love more than one person at the same time. The fact that she couldn't live under the same roof with him didn't mean she loved her ex-husband any less. Sometimes things just didn't work out, and it had nothing to do with a lack of love.

Clearly Jules thought a lot of Noel, since he tolerated the nickname "Ju". Jules had been sixteen when he decided he wanted to be known only as Julian. Jackie still slipped and called him Jules, or occasionally caught herself mid-word and ended up saying Julesian. Jules said he didn't mind if she still called him Jules, but she could tell that he did. 

xxx

Noel loved visiting Julian's family. They were so quiet and proper; it made Noel laugh to imagine a young "Jules" playing in a band called Satan's Hoof, rebelling against his sweetly indulgent parents. Julian always made himself out to be a bit of a loner and an outcast when he was young, but the photo albums told a very different story. Julian always seemed to be surrounded by friends and pretty girls. All his girlfriends were pretty but earthy. There were no glamour girls, no one who wore as much make-up as Noel. Low-maintenance girls for a boy who wrongly insisted he was low-maintenance as well. 

When Julian fell asleep on the sofa, his mother brought out the baby pictures.

"People ask if I named him after Julian Pettifer!" Jackie announced, sounding scandalized. "Of course, I named him after John Lennon's son. I never gave the name a second thought until I heard John say it in his lovely voice."

Noel looked at Julian, curled up on his mum's couch. It seemed impossible that Julian could ever seem cold or unreachable.

Jackie leaned forward, like she was telling a secret. "The song 'Hey, Jude' came out when Jules was just tiny. I would sing, 'Hey, Jules' to him all the time. Of course, we didn't know back then that the song was written for Julian Lennon. We all thought it was about John. Even John thought it was about John."

Noel looked at Julian, and wondered what it would be like to have a child. He tried to imagine having a tiny little person he could hold in his arms and sing songs to. Someone he could name after an idol, or an idol's son. He tried to picture having a baby with Dee.

It was easier to picture having a child with Julian, but Noel wasn't ready for the stretch marks.

xxx

Julian practically had to carry Noel up the path. He didn't own a practical pair of shoes and slipped on the grass and tripped over every rock. Noel was insistent about getting the full tour of Julian's misspent youth, and the Calf and Cow were a big part of that. The Calf and Cow, infrequent sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. 

Julian gave up and threw Noel over his shoulder. It was just easier.

"Is this what you'd do with your girlfriends?" Noel asked, once he stopped giggling like a madman.

"No," Julian snapped, feigning an ire he did not feel. "My girlfriends were too smart to wear heels to go wandering across the moor."

"I feel like Cathy," Noel continued, ignoring Julian's statement, "and you're Heathcliff, except you're all broody and stroppy."

"Heathcliff was all broody and stroppy... have you never read 'Wuthering Heights'? I thought you said you did a project on it."

"I did! It was more of an interpretative piece than a traditional project..."

"Based solely on the Kate Bush song?"

"No! I also used pictures of Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon."

xxx

Noel had wanted acid or shrooms, but Julian felt a joint was more than sufficient to give Noel the proper Calf and Cow experience. Oddly enough, marijuana was one of the few things in life that didn't make Julian paranoid, but Noel was clinging to his side as though he were going to fall off their grassy knoll and go plunging headfirst into the great expanse of Yorkshire.

"So you'd be up here with your long hair, droppin' acid... snogging girls?" Noel asked, his voice muffled by Julian's shirt sleeve.

Julian chuckled. "I got my first blowie up here. Best 13 seconds of my life."

Julian tried to picture the girl, but his memory of his youth was a bit fuzzy. He was pretty sure she'd been blonde. He clearly remembered her spitting onto the ground and wiping her tongue with her hand.

"Did…?"

Julian gave Noel roughly a minute to finish his thought before prompting him: "Did... what?"

"What? Oh. Oh, um..."

Julian ruffled Noel's hair. He was cute when he got all paranoid and nervous. 

"Did you ever...?" Noel went a deep shade of red. "Were there ever boys?"

He was very cute when he was nervous, and he was clinging to Julian like Julian was some big, strong protector.

"Sort of... no snogging, just..."

"Handjobs?" Noel's eyes were very wide. It had been weed that had prompted both those encounters. Maybe he should have gotten shrooms.

"And..."

Roger had been within arm's reach, losing his virginity to Julian's girlfriend's best friend. There had been a lot of substances involved, and Julian remembered how every time he'd tried to sneak a peek, Roger was staring straight at him.

"And what?" Noel asked. One hand had loosened its death grip on Julian's bicep and was running over Julian's stomach.

"Nothing." Even after ending things, there had been a few more encounters with Roger. It was hard to resist being wanted so badly.

He took a long pull and closed his eyes, holding it down until his lungs burned. 

"Julian?"

He didn't dare look at Noel. Noel was desperately in love with a bad-ass girl in a rock band. Julian wanted to eventually settle down and have kids.

"Julian?"

Noel's hand had moved downwards, hovering right above Julian's erection like he was waiting for permission. Maybe he was.

Julian took another pull and stubbed the joint out before lying back on the grass. Noel's hands were shaking, but Julian let him do all the work of unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his flares. Noel was leaving traces of lipstick as he moved his mouth up and down Julian's cock, and those pink streaks were too much for Julian to handle. He stared up at the cloudless sky and stroked Noel's hair, wishing the real world could be just a little more like the Calf and Cow.


End file.
